Submitted by AlexisNBrown, 5/27/2009 6:51:09 PM [profile]
Submitted by twilightlova, 5/15/2009 5:13:02 PM [profile]
Submitted by ILoveYou05, 3/11/2009 3:18:03 PM [profile]
Submitted by XxBroken_AngelxX, 11/30/2008 10:20:40 PM [profile]
|
4
Edit
A Favorite of
26 Users |
A JEFF DUNHAM AND PEANUT BIT
jeff: i'd like to do sompthing that has been a tradition in my family for years, read "the night before christmas"
peanut: ha ok! nooooo.
jeff: it'll be great
peanut: no it'll suck
**jeff pulls out a book**
peanut: what you have the book?!? i am soo sorry.
jeff: "twas the night before christmas"-
peanut :and all the jews were at the movies,
jeff: and all through the house-
peanut:why is it alwase a house? theres kids who live in apartments.how does santa get to the kids in the apartments? i guess they have to buzz his @$$ in.
jeff: and all through the appartments, not a creature was sturring-
peanut: ecceps the @$$ holes in 2b
jeff: not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
peanut: mouse? dude you're in an appartment thats a rat!
jeff: the stalking's were hung by the chimnie with care-
peanut: and beleve me the room could use some freash air how did that tradition start??
jeff: what tradition?
peanut: hanging up dirty laundry hoping santa would fill it with goodies. good thing it wasnt jock straps! "hey sally what did you get in yours?" "nuts."
jeff:YOU ARE RUINING THIS STORY!
peanut: well your the pervert eating out of your own jock strap!
jeff: with ma in her kerchief and i in my cap, had just settled down-
peanut: for a big snort of crack! well you have to get to the part where santa gets busted for breaking & entering where the hell is that?
jeff:its not breaking & entering!
peanut: oh keep reading i think it qualifies!
jeff: as i drew in myhead and was turning around down the chimny St. Nicholas came with a bound
peanut: he fell down...
jeff: yes
peanut: didnt you say his face was all red?
jeff: yeah
peanut: why dosnt anyone see this he is drunk off his @$$! this is a horible horible story!
jeff: he was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnisher with ashes and soot.
peanut: fat, drinking and driveing, in a furry GAY outfit, covered in soot, smoking, and you let him in the house beacuse he said he had sompthing for your kids!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU ANYWAY?! if i were you id cheak his ID then tazer his fat @$$. and how fat is this guy anyway? everyone is alwase leaving him plates full of cookies i thiknk he's a diabetic dont you think? we should leave him plates full of insulen how bout that?cant wait to hear the story next year "The Night Before Christmas Part 2 santa's on dialisas and he's missing a leg"
jeff: can i please finish this story?!
peanut: oh please do.
jeff: he sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a wistle
peanut: gotta go quick cause theres a cop with a pistol.
jeff: as i heared him exclaim as he drove out of sight -
peanut: merry christmas to all oh crap i ran over your bike!
- i love jeff dunham!!!
|
|
Discuss
Email
Add to My Favorites
Printable
Mark as Duplicate
Delete
|
ID# 201325 |
|
Submitted by sacred_vessel_22, 11/26/2008 6:06:16 PM [profile]
|
5
Edit
A Favorite of
16 Users |
It was christmas night
him and i under the mistletoe
i looked up and so did he
are eyes met
are lips touched
we held hands
we fell in love
we sat on the couch and watched the snow fall till i fell asleep to the sound of his beating heart
- natalie ¢¾
|
|
Discuss
Email
Add to My Favorites
Printable
Mark as Duplicate
Delete
|
ID# 200642 |
|
Submitted by kayser21, 11/1/2008 3:58:14 PM [profile]
|
6
Edit
A Favorite of
3 Users |
The Christmas Shoes
It was almost Chriastmas time, there I stood in another line.
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously.
Pacin around like little boys do, And in his hand he held a pair of shoes.
And his clothes were worn and old,
He was dirty from head to toe.
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what i heard him say.
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Momma, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time.
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes will make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
He counted pennies for what seemed like years.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here."
He searched his pockets frantically.
Then he turned and he looked at me.
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house, Though most years she did without.
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out.
And I'll never forget the look on his face when he said, Momma's gonna look so great.
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Momma, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time.
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes will make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love.
As he thanked me and ran out.
I knew that God had sent that little boy, To remind me, what Christmas is all about.
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Momma, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time.
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes will make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meet's Jesus tonight.
''-> NewSong
- NewSong
|
|
Discuss
Email
Add to My Favorites
Printable
Mark as Duplicate
Delete
|
ID# 197311 |
|
Submitted by HHPFG, 5/27/2008 6:59:00 PM [profile]
|
7
Edit
A Favorite of
4 Users |
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
- Unknown
|
|
Discuss
Email
Add to My Favorites
Printable
Mark as Duplicate
Delete
|
ID# 177737 |
|
Submitted by iluhquotes, 2/27/2008 8:42:21 PM [profile]
Submitted by always_me, 1/3/2008 11:54:21 AM [profile]
Submitted by sailor_moon, 12/29/2007 7:00:26 PM [profile]
|
10
Edit
A Favorite of
2 Users |
it was the day after christmas in a church in San Francisco. pastor mike was looking at the Nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby jesus was missing from the figures. Immediatly, Pastor mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor mike walked up to Jimmy and said," Well, Jimmy where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied "from church"
"and why did you take him?"
whith a sheepish smile Jimmy said,
"Well about a week befor christmas I prayed to little Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for christmas, i would give him a ride around the block in it."
- www.beliefnet.com
|
|
Discuss
Email
Add to My Favorites
Printable
Mark as Duplicate
Delete
|
ID# 155626 |
|
|
|
