Submitted by JaNaeNae013, 12/4/2003 5:42:13 PM [profile]
Submitted by xxgeorgiachickxx, 11/20/2005 5:02:39 PM [profile]
Submitted by fUrUbA^_^fAn, 12/11/2005 6:20:23 PM [profile]
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A Favorite of
64 Users |
A Politically Correct Christmas Poem
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.
So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"
- website
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ID# 56286 |
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Submitted by Bri, 12/14/2005 1:07:08 PM [profile]
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A Favorite of
61 Users |
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my a** for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little s**ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
- some email I got
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ID# 56575 |
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Submitted by oneluckystar, 8/27/2005 7:35:07 AM [profile]
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A Favorite of
53 Users |
**Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like**
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well,well,well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it--but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think--I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
- Unknown
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ID# 46693 |
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Submitted by ILoveYou05, 3/11/2009 3:18:03 PM [profile]
Submitted by oneluckystar, 8/27/2005 7:27:42 AM [profile]
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A Favorite of
49 Users |
**Christmas Songs For Shrinks**
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are!
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Paranoia: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me
Mania: Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away)
- Unknown
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ID# 46692 |
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Submitted by Hillary_the_dork, 12/25/2007 7:20:14 PM [profile]
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A Favorite of
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You might be sitting in your living room, smiling because it's Christmas... but you're really depressed.
You might be laughing at this ridiculous sweater that your grandpa got... but you're really crying inside.
And it's because you didn't get want you really wanted for Christmas.
That one person you love.
- ' Hillary
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ID# 155161 |
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Submitted by ziveeman, 10/18/2005 1:01:38 AM [profile]
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7 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING ON CHRISTMAS
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in any of the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop, all you get is the snowman's poop!'
- A site
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ID# 50729 |
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Submitted by Acid_Queen, 11/17/2007 8:17:16 PM [profile]
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