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The Best Christmas Quotes

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  • 1

    A Favorite of
    288 users

    Can I get a Picture of You so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by JaNaeNae013  ID#:12010

  • 2

    A Favorite of
    149 users

    Don’t be surprised if a BIG fat red man comes down your chimney and puts you in a black sack... I told Santa I want you for Christmas

    - alyson
    More than 5 years ago by xxgeorgiachickxx  ID#:53735

  • 3

    A Favorite of
    137 users

    Dear Santa,
    I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty...
    and it was worth it.
    You fat, judgmental bastard.

    - cause its true&i laughed so hard when i saw this
    More than a year ago by ILoveYou05  ID#:214643

  • 4

    A Favorite of
    130 users

    You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store.

    - Me.
    More than 5 years ago by Acid_Queen  ID#:148691

  • 5

    A Favorite of
    95 users

    A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

    Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the North Pole,
    were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
    released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear,
    that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
    because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
    And millions of people were calling the Cops,
    when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
    and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

    To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
    He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
    demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

    So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
    who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
    joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
    demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

    And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
    that making a choice could cause such commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
    Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
    Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
    And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
    were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
    for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
    who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
    besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
    and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
    he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
    He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
    but you must have to be careful with that word today
    His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
    nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
    give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
    each group of people in every religion.
    Every race, every hue,
    everyone, everywhere...even you!
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


    "MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

    - website
    More than 5 years ago by fUrUbA^_^fAn  ID#:56286

  • 6

    A Favorite of
    93 users

    If you're not under my tree on Christmas morning, I'm going back to bed!

    - rotfl!
    More than 5 years ago by Alannah.xo  ID#:147095

  • 7

    A Favorite of
    88 users

    You might be sitting in your living room, smiling because it's Christmas... but you're really depressed.
    You might be laughing at this ridiculous sweater that your grandpa got... but you're really crying inside.
    And it's because you didn't get want you really wanted for Christmas.
    That one person you love.

    - ' Hillary
    More than 5 years ago by Hillary_the_dork  ID#:155161

  • 8

    A Favorite of
    86 users

    A Christmas Story

    'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
    He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
    I've busted my a** for damn near a year,
    Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
    The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.
    The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
    And just when I thought that things would get better
    Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
    They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
    And the kids these days--they all are the pits
    They want the impossible--Those mean little s**ts
    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
    Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
    I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
    They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
    Flying through the air...dodging the trees
    Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
    I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
    I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
    There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
    I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

    - some email I got
    More than 5 years ago by Bri  ID#:56575

  • 9

    A Favorite of
    85 users

    Christmas is cancelled! i told Santa you were good this year and he died laughing.

    - an icon
    More than 5 years ago by badgergrl993  ID#:149340

  • 10

    A Favorite of
    83 users

    CHRISTMAS is C-hrist's H-istoric, R-emarkable I-ncarnation S-tory, T-elling M-essiah's A-waited S-alvation.

    - Jose B. Cabajar
    More than 5 years ago by Jose B. Cabajar  ID#:12069
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