The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 11

    A Favorite of 2411 users

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    More than 5 years ago by rememberme  ID#:31258
  • 12

    A Favorite of 2176 users

    I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

    More than 5 years ago by PenguinLvr142  ID#:19178
  • 13

    A Favorite of 2135 users

    LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
    (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
    1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
    2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
    3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
    4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
    5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
    6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
    7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
    8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
    9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
    10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
    11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
    12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
    13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
    14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
    15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
    For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb

    More than 5 years ago by leafyme22  ID#:57990
  • 14

    A Favorite of 2068 users

    We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
    from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are
    all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
    it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
    complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
    it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
    do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
    us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
    ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
    done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
    during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
    for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
    no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
    like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
    the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
    answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
    Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
    to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
    trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
    couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
    camping.

    More than 5 years ago by volleygurl  ID#:16690
  • 15

    A Favorite of 2067 users

    How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?
    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?
    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

    More than 5 years ago by itsamidget  ID#:28727
  • 16

    A Favorite of 1811 users

    "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."

    More than 5 years ago by BobbyKULEEN4  ID#:27233
  • 17

    A Favorite of 1799 users

    When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

    More than 10 years ago by mgriff  ID#:8157
  • 18

    A Favorite of 1790 users

    So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face"

    More than 10 years ago by babygrl0642  ID#:14837
  • 19

    A Favorite of 1775 users

    I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.

    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:4030
  • 20

    A Favorite of 1735 users

    Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.

    More than 10 years ago by quotewriter  ID#:8548

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