The Board Of Wisdom

The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 111

    A Favorite of
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    Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

    - unknown
    More than 5 years ago by Tater_Cakes253  ID#:14100

  • 112

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    people like you are the reason we have middle fingers

    - alyson
    More than 5 years ago by xxgeorgiachickxx  ID#:53737

  • 113

    A Favorite of
    478 users

    B.I.T.C.H - Beautiful Invidual That Creates Hell

    - me
    More than 5 years ago by WolfGoddess16  ID#:22631

  • 114

    A Favorite of
    474 users

    "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass"

    - wise friend xD
    More than a year ago by Nihad_  ID#:322024

  • 115

    A Favorite of
    472 users

    There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    - Steven Wright
    More than 10 years ago by aschrage  ID#:102

  • 116

    A Favorite of
    472 users

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

    And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

    I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

    I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum.

    - lol i don't know
    More than 5 years ago by chicken pox  ID#:21919

  • 117

    A Favorite of
    463 users

    I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

    - Rodney Dangerfield
    More than 5 years ago by hippygirl  ID#:30906

  • 118

    A Favorite of
    459 users

    Dont piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

    - On A Key Chain
    More than 10 years ago by Williams22  ID#:4855

  • 119

    A Favorite of
    452 users

    According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all of the questions wrong. But many pre-school children got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.



    Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









    Correct Answer
    Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

    This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.



    Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?









    Wrong Answer:
    Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

    Correct Answer:
    Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

    This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.



    Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?









    Correct Answer:
    The elephant, since it is still in the refrigerator.

    This tests your memory.

    OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.



    Q4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?









    Correct Answer:
    You swim across. All of the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

    This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    - a website
    More than 5 years ago by no_brainer  ID#:58470

  • 120

    A Favorite of
    443 users

    A b*tch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on a tree, a tree is part of nature, nature is beautiful, so when you call me a b*tch... thanks for the compliment.

    - aliza
    More than 5 years ago by aliza  ID#:17398
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