The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 21

    A Favorite of 1655 users

    Actual Answering Machine Messages.
    *My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    *This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

    *Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    *Hi. Now YOU say something.

    *Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

    *Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

    Posted by oneluckystar in Humor  ID#:23580
  • 22

    A Favorite of 1650 users

    No one will win the battle of the sexes; there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

    Posted by the great 1 in Humor  ID#:5533
  • 23

    A Favorite of 1606 users

    True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

    Posted by amanda3000 in Humor  ID#:32267
  • 24

    A Favorite of 1599 users

    Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

    "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    He: So what do you do for a living?
    She: Female impersonator.

    "Is this seat empty?"
    "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    "It's in the phone book."
    "But I don't know your name."
    "That's in the phone book too."

    "What sign were you born under?"
    "No Parking."

    "I know how to please a woman."
    "Then please leave me alone."

    "Haven't we met before?"
    "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

    "I want to give myself to you."
    "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    "I can tell that you want me."
    "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

    "Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
    "Stop."

    "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
    "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

    "May I see you pretty soon?"
    "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

    "Your body is like a temple."
    "Sorry, there are no services today."

    "I'd go through anything for you."
    "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

    "I would go to the end of the world for you."
    "Yes, but would you stay there?"


    "Your place or mine?"
    "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

    After hearing a pickup line:
    I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

    If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
    say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

    He: Would you like to dance?
    She: Not with you.
    He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

    He: Do you wanna dance?
    She: Yeah but not with you!
    He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

    Q: Does beauty run in your family?
    A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

    Q: What's your name sexy?
    A: Taken!

    Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
    A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

    Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
    A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

    He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
    She: Most peoples' do!

    Q: Can I buy you a drink?
    A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

    "You look like a dream."
    Response: "Go back to sleep."

    He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
    She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

    "I can see forever in your eyes."
    Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

    "I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
    Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

    Posted by rockroyalty1232 in Humor  ID#:26102
  • 25

    A Favorite of 1494 users

    LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

    "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking."


    LITTLE TONY ON MATH

    Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

    "But that's right !" says his dad.

    "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

    "What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said !"


    LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

    Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

    Little TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

    Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

    Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

    The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

    Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

    Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"


    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

    She said, "Excellent, Michael !"
    Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

    "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f ** king beautiful !'"


    LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

    Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

    After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

    Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

    Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business."


    I LOVE Little Tony !!!!!

    Posted by crazyasian_luv in Humor  ID#:95502
  • 26

    A Favorite of 1486 users

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

    Posted by aschrage in Humor  ID#:4010
  • 27

    A Favorite of 1426 users

    19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

    5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

    7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

    8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

    10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

    11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

    12. Sing Along At The Opera.

    13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

    14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

    15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

    16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".

    17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

    18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

    19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

    Posted by volleygurl in Humor  ID#:16687
  • 28

    A Favorite of 1403 users

    Subject: How to call the police

    George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

    George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

    (True Story) I LOVE IT...

    Posted by mialwys in Humor  ID#:44335
  • 29

    A Favorite of 1387 users

    The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

    In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

    Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

    Posted by AA in Humor  ID#:5149
  • 30

    A Favorite of 1301 users

    "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

    Posted by shannynbobannon in Humor  ID#:17097

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