The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 31

    A Favorite of 1252 users

    "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    Posted by kenji05 in Humor  ID#:29709
  • 32

    A Favorite of 1234 users

    What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I STARE, I SMILE, AND WHEN I GET TIRED...I PUT THE MIRROR DOWN

    Posted by panche in Humor  ID#:9975
  • 33

    A Favorite of 1233 users

    East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the Bi*** that touches my Man.

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:3979
  • 34

    A Favorite of 1230 users

    i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
    >>ONCE when it's told to me
    >>ONCE when it's explained to me
    and
    >>ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

    Posted by WritingWolf in Humor  ID#:31626
  • 35

    A Favorite of 1197 users

    When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it.

    Posted by Jodes in Humor  ID#:52247
  • 36

    A Favorite of 1162 users

    The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

    Posted by Donny in Humor  ID#:3983
  • 37

    A Favorite of 1149 users

    10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
    that time management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
    got here just in time!"

    7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
    and envisioning a new paradigm."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
    work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
    practice Yoga?"

    4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
    solution to our biggest problem."

    3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

    2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

    And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
    desk...

    1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

    Posted by rememberme in Humor  ID#:31260
  • 38

    A Favorite of 1140 users

    Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!

    Posted by Williams22 in Humor  ID#:4856
  • 39

    A Favorite of 1139 users

    10 commandments of being a teenager:

    1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)

    2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)

    3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)

    4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)

    5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)

    6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)

    7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)

    8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)

    9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)

    10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

    Posted by Shaygna`Mo in Humor  ID#:19668
  • 40

    A Favorite of 1131 users

    A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

    “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

    “Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

    “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

    “That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

    “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

    The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

    “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

    “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

    “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

    “Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

    “Because you got an F in sex.”

    Posted by tlzflzz in Humor  ID#:29564

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