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The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 31

    A Favorite of 1301 users

    "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

    Posted by shannynbobannon  ID#:17097
  • 32

    A Favorite of 1245 users

    "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    Posted by kenji05  ID#:29709
  • 33

    A Favorite of 1232 users

    East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the Bi*** that touches my Man.

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:3979
  • 34

    A Favorite of 1226 users

    What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I STARE, I SMILE, AND WHEN I GET TIRED...I PUT THE MIRROR DOWN

    Posted by panche  ID#:9975
  • 35

    A Favorite of 1225 users

    i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
    >>ONCE when it's told to me
    >>ONCE when it's explained to me
    and
    >>ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

    Posted by WritingWolf  ID#:31626
  • 36

    A Favorite of 1192 users

    When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it.

    Posted by Jodes  ID#:52247
  • 37

    A Favorite of 1159 users

    The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

    Posted by Donny  ID#:3983
  • 38

    A Favorite of 1145 users

    10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
    that time management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
    got here just in time!"

    7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
    and envisioning a new paradigm."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
    work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
    practice Yoga?"

    4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
    solution to our biggest problem."

    3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

    2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

    And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
    desk...

    1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

    Posted by rememberme  ID#:31260
  • 39

    A Favorite of 1137 users

    Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!

    Posted by Williams22  ID#:4856
  • 40

    A Favorite of 1136 users

    10 commandments of being a teenager:

    1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)

    2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)

    3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)

    4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)

    5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)

    6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)

    7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)

    8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)

    9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)

    10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

    Posted by Shaygna`Mo  ID#:19668

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