The Best Christmas Quotes

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  • 41

    A Favorite of 40 users

    Christmas pranks and jokes

    1. Dress up as santa, go out into the street and declare to all small children who belive in santa that u are retireing and the easter bunny is taking over

    2. When waking up on Cristmas Morning, run into your parents room and shout
    "MERRY FRIGGIN CRISTMAS!!!"

    3. If u play and istrument play jingle bells over and over again for 1 hour

    4. Open a window and shout into the street
    "BAH HUMBUG!!!"

    5. Silly string and T pee the tree

    5. Hide every ones presents apart from yours.

    6. At dinner, when the turkey, chicken ect is placed on the table say
    "dont worry turkey! i'll save you!!!"
    and take the biggest bit first.

    Posted by RORO in Christmas  ID#:57583
  • 42

    A Favorite of 39 users

    Some of the greatest Christmas gifts do not involve spending money. We live in
    a world that is too busy. The gift of
    time- a phone call, a Christmas card,
    a visit can mean of lot, but cost us so
    little.

    Posted by Stanford in Christmas  ID#:152145
  • 43

    A Favorite of 39 users

    the tooth fairy teaches kids to sell their body parts for money

    the easter bunny teaches kids that those "little chocolates" on the ground are ok to eat

    but santa teaches kids to break into children's hoouses and leave presentsand raid the kitchen for cookies..

    happy holidays everyone :)

    Posted by XxBroken_AngelxX in Christmas  ID#:257097
  • 44

    A Favorite of 39 users

    *<[:{) Santa!

    Posted by sandy.ch in Christmas  ID#:347176
  • 45

    A Favorite of 37 users

    Rudolph Got Run Over By My Grandma


    CHORUS
    Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
    just as he arrived on Christmas Day
    She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
    that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

    She'd been listening to the radio
    and she nearly lost her breath
    yellin' cuss words at the DJ
    for playin' that song where she gets hooved to death.

    So she set out on the warpath
    there was evil in her eye
    she said "I'm gonna find that reindeer
    and by golly, one of us is gonna die!"

    CHORUS
    Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
    just as he arrived on Christmas Day
    She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
    that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

    Santa Claus had made a landing
    on the new expressway
    Grandma was doin' 120
    with her headlights pointed straight at Santa's sleigh.

    'Twas an awful sound of impact
    Grandma really nailed him good
    There were hoofprints on her windshield
    and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

    CHORUS
    Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
    just as he arrived on Christmas Day
    She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
    that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

    Guess we'll all be missing Rudolph
    in the winter when it snows
    but now he's up in reindeer heaven
    with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

    But there's no regret from Grandma
    as she drove away, she sneered,
    and then she hollered out the window
    "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!"

    CHORUS
    Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
    just as he arrived on Christmas Day
    She had gotten sick and tired of hearin' that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

    Posted by lhansen17 in Christmas  ID#:56597
  • 46

    A Favorite of 36 users

    Meet me under the mistletoe...

    Posted by ILoveYou05 in Christmas  ID#:99019
  • 47

    A Favorite of 35 users

    Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year

    Posted by NoTimeForRealLife in Christmas  ID#:148159
  • 48

    A Favorite of 35 users

    A JEFF DUNHAM AND PEANUT BIT

    jeff: i'd like to do sompthing that has been a tradition in my family for years, read "the night before christmas"

    peanut: ha ok! nooooo.

    jeff: it'll be great

    peanut: no it'll suck

    **jeff pulls out a book**

    peanut: what you have the book?!? i am soo sorry.

    jeff: "twas the night before christmas"-

    peanut :and all the jews were at the movies,

    jeff: and all through the house-

    peanut:why is it alwase a house? theres kids who live in apartments.how does santa get to the kids in the apartments? i guess they have to buzz his @$$ in.

    jeff: and all through the appartments, not a creature was sturring-

    peanut: ecceps the @$$ holes in 2b

    jeff: not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

    peanut: mouse? dude you're in an appartment thats a rat!

    jeff: the stalking's were hung by the chimnie with care-

    peanut: and beleve me the room could use some freash air how did that tradition start??

    jeff: what tradition?

    peanut: hanging up dirty laundry hoping santa would fill it with goodies. good thing it wasnt jock straps! "hey sally what did you get in yours?" "nuts."

    jeff:YOU ARE RUINING THIS STORY!

    peanut: well your the pervert eating out of your own jock strap!

    jeff: with ma in her kerchief and i in my cap, had just settled down-

    peanut: for a big snort of crack! well you have to get to the part where santa gets busted for breaking & entering where the hell is that?

    jeff:its not breaking & entering!

    peanut: oh keep reading i think it qualifies!

    jeff: as i drew in myhead and was turning around down the chimny St. Nicholas came with a bound

    peanut: he fell down...

    jeff: yes

    peanut: didnt you say his face was all red?

    jeff: yeah

    peanut: why dosnt anyone see this he is drunk off his @$$! this is a horible horible story!

    jeff: he was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnisher with ashes and soot.

    peanut: fat, drinking and driveing, in a furry GAY outfit, covered in soot, smoking, and you let him in the house beacuse he said he had sompthing for your kids!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU ANYWAY?! if i were you id cheak his ID then tazer his fat @$$. and how fat is this guy anyway? everyone is alwase leaving him plates full of cookies i thiknk he's a diabetic dont you think? we should leave him plates full of insulen how bout that?cant wait to hear the story next year "The Night Before Christmas Part 2 santa's on dialisas and he's missing a leg"

    jeff: can i please finish this story?!

    peanut: oh please do.

    jeff: he sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a wistle

    peanut: gotta go quick cause theres a cop with a pistol.

    jeff: as i heared him exclaim as he drove out of sight -

    peanut: merry christmas to all oh crap i ran over your bike!

    Posted by XxBroken_AngelxX in Christmas  ID#:201325
  • 49

    A Favorite of 35 users

    'MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR'
    ✿•*¨`*•. (¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯) .•*¨`*•✿.
    . . . ✿•*¨`*•.¸(¯`v´¯)¸.•´*¨`*•✿
    ……………......... •.¸.•´....................... ♥ FROM MY HEART TO YOURS♥

    Posted by hunter51 in Christmas  ID#:347790
  • 50

    A Favorite of 34 users

    If you don't have Christmas in your heart yet...you won't find it under a tree.

    Posted by Anonymous in Christmas  ID#:346072

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