The Board Of Wisdom

The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 41

    A Favorite of
    1103 users

    A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

    “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

    “Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

    “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

    “That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

    “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

    The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

    “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

    “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

    “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

    “Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

    “Because you got an F in sex.”

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by tlzflzz  ID#:29564

  • 42

    A Favorite of
    1088 users

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

    - a funny website but put here by megan!!!
    More than 5 years ago by iluvsufari  ID#:55558

  • 43

    A Favorite of
    1087 users

    Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by Jill16  ID#:25979

  • 44

    A Favorite of
    1045 users

    u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!

    - unknown
    More than 5 years ago by IRISHitalianBABI  ID#:32339

  • 45

    A Favorite of
    1042 users

    Girl's Poem:
    I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
    I can justify any shopping spree.
    Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon, I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my a**. My beauty is a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles, at any cost. I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost. I never forget an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a b**ch. Don't say to your friends, oh yeah I can get her. In your dreams dear, I can do better. Flowers are okay, but jewelery is best. Look at ME, idiot, not at my chest. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you are lying, you stare at the ceiling. Don't call me a GIRL, a BABE, or a CHICK. I am a LADY....Don't you get it? You dick.

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by amybear  ID#:16909

  • 46

    A Favorite of
    1033 users

    I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

    - W. C. Fields
    More than 10 years ago by Sinetos  ID#:6988

  • 47

    A Favorite of
    1030 users

    Sunday School

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

    - Meeeeeeee
    More than 5 years ago by lucky21  ID#:36161

  • 48

    A Favorite of
    998 users

    If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by SuLee  ID#:387

  • 49

    A Favorite of
    954 users

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:4329

  • 50

    A Favorite of
    942 users

    ------------ The English Language-----------------
    There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
    apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
    in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

    English muffins were not invented in England nor French
    fries in France.

    Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
    sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
    we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
    square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
    grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

    If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
    booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
    Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
    2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
    eat?

    Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
    Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
    that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
    on parkways?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
    wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
    heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
    in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
    going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
    off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
    the lights are out, they are invisible.

    And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
    wind up this essay, I end it?

    English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
    coming or going!!!

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by Akiratheoni  ID#:50804
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