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The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 41

    A Favorite of 1131 users

    A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

    “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

    “Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

    “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

    “That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    “My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

    “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

    The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

    “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

    “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

    “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

    “Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

    “Because you got an F in sex.”

    Posted by tlzflzz  ID#:29564
  • 42

    A Favorite of 1120 users

    Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

    Posted by Jill16  ID#:25979
  • 43

    A Favorite of 1117 users

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

    Posted by iluvsufari  ID#:55558
  • 44

    A Favorite of 1089 users

    u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!

    Posted by IRISHitalianBABI  ID#:32339
  • 45

    A Favorite of 1064 users

    I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

    Posted by Sinetos  ID#:6988
  • 46

    A Favorite of 1061 users

    Girl's Poem:
    I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
    I can justify any shopping spree.
    Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon, I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my a**. My beauty is a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles, at any cost. I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost. I never forget an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a b**ch. Don't say to your friends, oh yeah I can get her. In your dreams dear, I can do better. Flowers are okay, but jewelery is best. Look at ME, idiot, not at my chest. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you are lying, you stare at the ceiling. Don't call me a GIRL, a BABE, or a CHICK. I am a LADY....Don't you get it? You dick.

    Posted by amybear  ID#:16909
  • 47

    A Favorite of 1057 users

    Sunday School

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

    Posted by lucky21  ID#:36161
  • 48

    A Favorite of 1026 users

    If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

    Posted by SuLee  ID#:387
  • 49

    A Favorite of 996 users

    Women's English:
    Yes = No
    No = Yes
    Maybe = No
    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
    We need to talk = I need to complain
    Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
    How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

    Men's English:
    I'm hungry = I'm hungry
    I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
    I'm tired = I'm tired
    Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
    What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
    What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
    I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
    I love you = Let's have sex now!
    Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
    Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

    Posted by IluvOrliandElijah  ID#:23164
  • 50

    A Favorite of 985 users

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:4329

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