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The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 51

    A Favorite of 978 users

    ------------ The English Language-----------------
    There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
    apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
    in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

    English muffins were not invented in England nor French
    fries in France.

    Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
    sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
    we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
    square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
    grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

    If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
    booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
    Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
    2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
    eat?

    Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
    Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
    that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
    on parkways?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
    wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
    heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
    in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
    going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
    off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
    the lights are out, they are invisible.

    And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
    wind up this essay, I end it?

    English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
    coming or going!!!

    Posted by Akiratheoni  ID#:50804
  • 52

    A Favorite of 950 users

    Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and do us all a favor and jump off it.

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:7842
  • 53

    A Favorite of 941 users

    "Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:4488
  • 54

    A Favorite of 932 users

    Little Boy at Nude Beach

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

    Posted by aschrage  ID#:7907
  • 55

    A Favorite of 931 users

    you know you live in 2005 when....

    1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

    2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

    3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

    4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

    6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

    7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling

    8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
    friends

    9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

    10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

    11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:45776
  • 56

    A Favorite of 919 users

    I really do love this country, but...

    1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

    Posted by smartee_pantz  ID#:60043
  • 57

    A Favorite of 914 users

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice???

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:4448
  • 58

    A Favorite of 909 users

    When the americans went to space they quickly found out that ball point pens wouldn't work in zero G's so NASA spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that could write in zero G's, upside down, underwater on almost any surface including glass and in temperatures ranging from below freezing and to 300 degrees F
    THE RUSSIANS USED A PENCIL

    Posted by only_on_wensday  ID#:6586
  • 59

    A Favorite of 905 users

    I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.

    Posted by Anonymous  ID#:5804
  • 60

    A Favorite of 836 users

    One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
    bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

    Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
    about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
    two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God
    bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

    The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
    more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
    later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God
    Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

    This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
    anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
    miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
    Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
    got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a
    very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?
    YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman
    dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

    Posted by rememberme  ID#:31255

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