The Board Of Wisdom

The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 51

    A Favorite of
    929 users

    Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and do us all a favor and jump off it.

    - cheech
    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:7842

  • 52

    A Favorite of
    927 users

    Women's English:
    Yes = No
    No = Yes
    Maybe = No
    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
    We need to talk = I need to complain
    Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
    How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
    TV
    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

    Men's English:
    I'm hungry = I'm hungry
    I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
    I'm tired = I'm tired
    Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
    What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
    What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
    I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
    I love you = Let's have sex now!
    Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
    Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by IluvOrliandElijah  ID#:23164

  • 53

    A Favorite of
    915 users

    you know you live in 2005 when....

    1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

    2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

    3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

    4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

    6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

    7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling

    8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
    friends

    9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

    10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

    11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

    - Unknown
    More than 5 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:45776

  • 54

    A Favorite of
    914 users

    Little Boy at Nude Beach

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by aschrage  ID#:7907

  • 55

    A Favorite of
    910 users

    "Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:4488

  • 56

    A Favorite of
    891 users

    I really do love this country, but...

    1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

    - unknown
    More than 5 years ago by smartee_pantz  ID#:60043

  • 57

    A Favorite of
    887 users

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice???

    - Tara
    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:4448

  • 58

    A Favorite of
    886 users

    I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.

    - Hanz
    More than 10 years ago by Anonymous  ID#:5804

  • 59

    A Favorite of
    884 users

    When the americans went to space they quickly found out that ball point pens wouldn't work in zero G's so NASA spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that could write in zero G's, upside down, underwater on almost any surface including glass and in temperatures ranging from below freezing and to 300 degrees F
    THE RUSSIANS USED A PENCIL

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by only_on_wensday  ID#:6586

  • 60

    A Favorite of
    811 users

    There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

    - Unknown
    More than 10 years ago by aschrage  ID#:3788
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