The Best Humor Quotes

  • All
  • 51

    A Favorite of 950 users

    Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and do us all a favor and jump off it.

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:7842
  • 52

    A Favorite of 942 users

    "Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:4488
  • 53

    A Favorite of 933 users

    Little Boy at Nude Beach

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

    Posted by aschrage in Humor  ID#:7907
  • 54

    A Favorite of 932 users

    you know you live in 2005 when....

    1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

    2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

    3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

    4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

    6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

    7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling

    8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
    friends

    9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

    10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

    11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:45776
  • 55

    A Favorite of 922 users

    I really do love this country, but...

    1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

    Posted by smartee_pantz in Humor  ID#:60043
  • 56

    A Favorite of 916 users

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice???

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:4448
  • 57

    A Favorite of 910 users

    When the americans went to space they quickly found out that ball point pens wouldn't work in zero G's so NASA spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that could write in zero G's, upside down, underwater on almost any surface including glass and in temperatures ranging from below freezing and to 300 degrees F
    THE RUSSIANS USED A PENCIL

    Posted by only_on_wensday in Humor  ID#:6586
  • 58

    A Favorite of 905 users

    I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.

    Posted by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:5804
  • 59

    A Favorite of 837 users

    One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
    bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

    Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
    about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
    two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God
    bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

    The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
    more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
    later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God
    Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

    This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
    anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
    miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
    Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
    got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a
    very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?
    YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman
    dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

    Posted by rememberme in Humor  ID#:31255
  • 60

    A Favorite of 835 users

    There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

    Posted by aschrage in Humor  ID#:3788

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