I am in the military, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery:
STEP 1. Speech:
*Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It's not 'zero five thirty' or 'fourteen hundred'. It's 'five thirty' or 'two o'clock'.
*f*** cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try 'um'.
*grunting is not talking.
*Its a phone, not a radio. Conversations do not follow a set procedure and don’t end in 'out'.
STEP 2. Style:
*Don’t put creases in your jeans.
*Don’t put creases in the front or your dress shirts.
*Don’t iron your collar flat.
STEP 3. Woman:
*Being divorced twice by the time your twenty-three is not normal; neither are six-month marriages, even if it's your first.
*Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make financial sense.
STEP 4. Personal Accomplishments:
*In the real world, being able to do more push-ups will not make you better at your job.
*Most people will be slightly disturbed if you tell them about people you’ve killed or seen die.
*How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
STEP 5. Drinking:
*In the real world, being drunk before 5 p.m will get you a reprimand and formal warning, not a pat on the back.
*That time you drank a full slab of beer and p***** in your wardrobe is not a conversation starter.
STEP 6. Bodily Functions:
*Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while running away may be viewed as unprofessional.
*The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny, no matter how big it was, how much it burned or how much it smelled.
*You cant make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
STEP 7. The Human Body:
*Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, its true.
STEP 8. Spending Habits:
*One day you will have to pay bills.
*Buying a £40,000 car on a £20,000-a-year salary is a really bad idea.
*One day you will need health insurance.
STEP 9. Interacting With Civilians:
*Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not be appreciated.
STEP 10. Real Jobs:
*They can really fire you.
*On the flip side, you can really quit.
*Screaming at the people who work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too.
*Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
*Remember, 9 to 5, not 0530 to 1800.
STEP 11. The Law:
*Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
*your workplace, unlike your command, cant save you and probably wont; in fact, most likely you will be fired about five minutes after they find out you’ve been arrested.
*Even McDonald’s does background checks, and ‘conviction’ isn’t going to help you get the job.
*Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you arrested, not yelled at on Monday morning before asking you if you won.
STEP 12. General Knowledge:
*You can really say what you want about the Prime Minister in public.
*Pain is not a weakness escaping the body, its just pain.
*They wont wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you, so be polite.
*And lastly, read the contracts before you sign them. Remember what happened last time.