The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 1

    A Favorite of 4865 users

    9 Things I Hate About Everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

    Posted by chickaroo_3 in Humor  ID#:36613
  • 2

    A Favorite of 4138 users

    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

    Your daughter, Judith

    PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

    Posted by Girl of the Heart in Humor  ID#:22993
  • 3

    A Favorite of 3733 users

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
    (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
    (and that would be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to...what)?

    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

    Posted by get_ova_me in Humor  ID#:34850
  • 4

    A Favorite of 3574 users

    It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

    Posted by Bob in Humor  ID#:50
  • 5

    A Favorite of 3309 users

    There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

    Posted by anonymous in Humor  ID#:40
  • 6

    A Favorite of 2823 users

    A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
    Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

    A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

    Posted by skitzo in Humor  ID#:30309
  • 7

    A Favorite of 2682 users

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

    Posted by Xsparky_101X in Humor  ID#:19053
  • 8

    A Favorite of 2658 users

    15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!
    1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
    2. Moo when they say your name.
    3. Run into walls.
    4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
    5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
    6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
    7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
    8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
    9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
    10. Do what they actually tell you.
    11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
    12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
    13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
    14. Try to swim in the floor.
    15. Tap on their door all night.

    Posted by FearlessGodess14 in Humor  ID#:40103
  • 9

    A Favorite of 2529 users

    I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

    Posted by Dark Child in Humor  ID#:10882
  • 10

    A Favorite of 2439 users

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    Posted by rememberme in Humor  ID#:31258
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