The Best Lawyers Quotes

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  • 1

    A Favorite of 98 users

    Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses. The following are things people actually said in court, word for word:

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
    he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
    until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed
    in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
    to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
    on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.


    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
    did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
    was doing an autopsy.

    More than 5 years ago by tasteslikechicken  ID#:35978
  • 2

    A Favorite of 72 users

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

    More than 5 years ago by aschrage  ID#:143387
  • 3

    A Favorite of 67 users

    Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....



    In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

    He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

    he responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

    The Lawyer was stunned.

    Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,

    "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

    More than 5 years ago by unluckygirl  ID#:63892
  • 4

    A Favorite of 43 users

    A good lawyer knows the law;a great lawyer knows the judge......

    More than 5 years ago by betonit123  ID#:24737
  • 5

    A Favorite of 42 users

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

    In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

    Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

    The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

    The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

    He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

    The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

    The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

    More than 5 years ago by aschrage  ID#:123721
  • 6

    A Favorite of 42 users

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

    The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

    The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

    The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

    The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

    The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

    Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.

    More than 5 years ago by mustaphe  ID#:182325
  • 7

    A Favorite of 34 users

    Juries scare me. I don't want to put my faith in 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

    More than 5 years ago by seanchubbs  ID#:66836
  • 8

    A Favorite of 31 users

    The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.


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    Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
    Witness: "I only have one, you know."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
    Witness: "By death."
    Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
    The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
    Witness: "July 15th."
    Lawyer: "What year?"
    Witness: "Every year."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
    Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
    Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
    Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
    Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
    Witness: "'Winchester'!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
    Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
    Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
    Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
    Witness: "Er...his face."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
    Witness: "Yes."
    Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
    Witness: "I forget."
    Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
    Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
    Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
    Witness: "Forty-five years."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
    Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
    Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
    Witness: "My name is Susan."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
    Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
    Witness: "After the accident?"
    Lawyer: "Before the accident."
    Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

    ---------

    More than 5 years ago by free2fly1029  ID#:170856
  • 9

    A Favorite of 31 users

    fool me once,
    shame on you

    fool me twice,
    Shame on me

    More than 5 years ago by megan_derry_ireland  ID#:177843
  • 10

    A Favorite of 27 users

    A Russian, a Cuban, an American businessman and an American lawyer were on a train traveling across Europe. The Russian took out a large bottle of vodka, poured each of his companions a drink and then hurled the semi-full bottle out the window.

    "Why did you do that?" asked the American businessman.

    "Vodka is plentiful in my country," said the Russian. "In fact, we have more than we will ever use."

    A little later, the Cuban passed around fine Havana cigars. He took a couple of puffs of his and then tossed it out the window.

    "I thought the Cuban economy was suffering," the businessman said. "Yet you threw that perfectly good cigar away."

    "Cigars," the Cuban replied, "are a dime a dozen in Cuba. We have more of them than we know what to do with."

    The American businessman sat in silence for a moment. Then he got up, grabbed the lawyer and threw him out the window.

    More than 5 years ago by jerseygrl325  ID#:219212
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