01. Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
02. Every great man was thought to be insane before he changed the world. Some never changed the world. They were just insane.
03. I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
04. It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's funnier.
05. When in doubt, do it.
06. A crappy life is a great excuse to live a crappy life.
07. Always apologize first--it annoys the crap out of people.
08. "Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser.
09. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder.
10. There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead.
11. Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
12. The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."
13. Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
14. Born free. Taxed to death.
15. I don't suffer from insanity--I enjoy every minute of it.
16. We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
17. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
18. Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
19. If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
20. Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
21. No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
22. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
23. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
24. Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
25. God bless America. But God, please help Canada.