The Best Humor Quotes

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  • 111

    A Favorite of 505 users

    people like you are the reason we have middle fingers

    Posted by xxgeorgiachickxx in Humor  ID#:53737
  • 112

    A Favorite of 503 users

    Two people are sitting at a bar drinking, one of them turns to the other and says

    "You arent irish by any chance are you?"
    "Why yes I am",replied the other man
    "Fancy that! Where abouts in Ireland are you from?"
    "Cor! Me 2"
    "Really, where did you graduate?"
    "St Marys"
    "Me too!! What year?"
    "Oh my God! So did i!"

    The bar man sighed "Its going to be a long night... The O Malley twins are drunk again."

    Posted by tund3 in Humor  ID#:58068
  • 113

    A Favorite of 499 users

    1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
    2. Men are like .Bananas ...The older they get, the less firm they are.
    3. Men are like ..Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
    4. Men are like ..Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
    5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
    6. Men a re like .. Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
    7. Men are like . Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
    8. Men are like ..Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
    9. Men are like ...Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
    10. Men are like ..Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
    11. Men are like ..Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how ma ny inches you'll get or how long it will last.
    12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
    13. Men are like ...Parking Spots .. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

    Posted by platinumbabe in Humor  ID#:61627
  • 114

    A Favorite of 488 users

    There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    Posted by aschrage in Humor  ID#:102
  • 115

    A Favorite of 488 users

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

    And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

    I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

    I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum.

    Posted by chicken pox in Humor  ID#:21919
  • 116

    A Favorite of 482 users

    I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

    Posted by hippygirl in Humor  ID#:30906
  • 117

    A Favorite of 482 users

    According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all of the questions wrong. But many pre-school children got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

    Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

    Correct Answer
    Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

    This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

    Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

    Wrong Answer:
    Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

    Correct Answer:
    Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

    This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

    Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

    Correct Answer:
    The elephant, since it is still in the refrigerator.

    This tests your memory.

    OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

    Q4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

    Correct Answer:
    You swim across. All of the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

    This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    Posted by no_brainer in Humor  ID#:58470
  • 118

    A Favorite of 480 users

    Dont piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

    Posted by Williams22 in Humor  ID#:4855
  • 119

    A Favorite of 468 users

    I look at the stars and I see you,
    I look at the moon and I see you,
    I look at the trees and I see you,
    Please step aside, you are blocking my view.

    Posted by Shrestha in Humor  ID#:28106
  • 120

    A Favorite of 462 users

    Don't Do Something Permanently Stupid,Just Because You Are Temporarily Upset..

    Posted by gta786 in Humor  ID#:353701

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