The Best Christmas Quotes

  • 1

    A Favorite of 292 users

    Can I get a Picture of You so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

    December 4, 2003 by JaNaeNae013 in Christmas  ID#:12010
  • 2

    A Favorite of 159 users

    Don’t be surprised if a BIG fat red man comes down your chimney and puts you in a black sack... I told Santa I want you for Christmas

    November 20, 2005 by xxgeorgiachickxx in Christmas  ID#:53735
  • 3

    A Favorite of 145 users

    Dear Santa,
    I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty...
    and it was worth it.
    You fat, judgmental bastard.

    March 11, 2009 by ILoveYou05 in Christmas  ID#:214643
  • 4

    A Favorite of 139 users

    You know you've grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store.

    November 17, 2007 by Acid_Queen in Christmas  ID#:148691
  • 5

    A Favorite of 98 users

    A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

    Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the North Pole,
    were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
    released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear,
    that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
    because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
    And millions of people were calling the Cops,
    when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
    and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

    To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
    He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
    demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

    So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
    who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
    joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
    demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

    And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
    that making a choice could cause such commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
    Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
    Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
    And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
    were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
    for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
    who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
    besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
    and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
    he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
    He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
    but you must have to be careful with that word today
    His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
    nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
    give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
    each group of people in every religion.
    Every race, every hue,
    everyone, everywhere...even you!
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


    December 11, 2005 by fUrUbA^_^fAn in Christmas  ID#:56286
  • 6

    A Favorite of 98 users

    If you're not under my tree on Christmas morning, I'm going back to bed!

    November 7, 2007 by Alannah.xo in Christmas  ID#:147095
  • 7

    A Favorite of 93 users

    Christmas is cancelled! i told Santa you were good this year and he died laughing.

    November 21, 2007 by badgergrl993 in Christmas  ID#:149340
  • 8

    A Favorite of 90 users

    CHRISTMAS is C-hrist's H-istoric, R-emarkable I-ncarnation S-tory, T-elling M-essiah's A-waited S-alvation.

    December 5, 2003 by Jose B. Cabajar in Christmas  ID#:12069
  • 9

    A Favorite of 90 users

    You might be sitting in your living room, smiling because it's Christmas... but you're really depressed.
    You might be laughing at this ridiculous sweater that your grandpa got... but you're really crying inside.
    And it's because you didn't get want you really wanted for Christmas.
    That one person you love.

    December 25, 2007 by Hillary_the_dork in Christmas  ID#:155161
  • 10

    A Favorite of 87 users

    A Christmas Story

    'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
    He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
    I've busted my a** for damn near a year,
    Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
    The old lady b**ches cause I work late at night.
    The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
    And just when I thought that things would get better
    Those ***holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
    They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
    And the kids these days--they all are the pits
    They want the impossible--Those mean little s**ts
    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
    Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
    I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
    They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
    Flying through the air...dodging the trees
    Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
    I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
    I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.
    There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
    I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

    December 14, 2005 by Bri in Christmas  ID#:56575