The Best Humor Quotes

  • 11

    A Favorite of 2223 users

    I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

    June 23, 2004 by PenguinLvr142 in Humor  ID#:19178
  • 12

    A Favorite of 2202 users

    LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
    (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
    1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
    2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
    3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
    4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
    5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
    6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
    7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
    8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
    9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
    10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
    11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
    12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
    13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
    14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
    15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
    For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb

    December 28, 2005 by leafyme22 in Humor  ID#:57990
  • 13

    A Favorite of 2117 users

    How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?
    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?
    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

    December 29, 2004 by itsamidget in Humor  ID#:28727
  • 14

    A Favorite of 1847 users

    So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face"

    March 6, 2004 by babygrl0642 in Humor  ID#:14837
  • 15

    A Favorite of 1847 users

    "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."

    December 7, 2004 by BobbyKULEEN4 in Humor  ID#:27233
  • 16

    A Favorite of 1836 users

    When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

    May 28, 2003 by mgriff in Humor  ID#:8157
  • 17

    A Favorite of 1806 users

    I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.

    May 27, 2002 by Anonymous in Humor  ID#:4030
  • 18

    A Favorite of 1777 users

    random things that are useless
    *Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why.
    *Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
    *We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime.
    *Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different.
    *Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people
    *A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day
    *In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum
    *"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
    *A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
    *Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.
    *Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants.
    *The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
    *111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
    *The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
    *The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet.
    *If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow.
    *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
    *Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
    *40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.
    *Most toliets flush in E-flat.
    *It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
    *The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
    *In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
    *A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
    *The longest one-syllable word is "screeched."
    *Frowning burns more calories than smiling.
    *1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.
    *The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
    *The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.
    *If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
    *A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.
    *Children grow faster in the spring.
    *On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
    *Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
    *A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour.
    *Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.
    *A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephants butt.
    *The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin.
    *Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
    *On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
    *On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
    *Red is the most commonly colored vehical involved in accidents each year.
    *The swastika was origionaly a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.
    *Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
    *Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
    *In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
    *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
    *The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
    *Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes

    March 19, 2007 by tiaraqueen74 in Humor  ID#:118000
  • 19

    A Favorite of 1757 users

    Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.

    June 23, 2003 by quotewriter in Humor  ID#:8548
  • 20

    A Favorite of 1675 users

    Actual Answering Machine Messages.
    *My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    *This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

    *Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    *Hi. Now YOU say something.

    *Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

    *Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

    September 30, 2004 by oneluckystar in Humor  ID#:23580