The Best Lawyers Quotes

  • 11

    A Favorite of 25 users

    A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

    September 25, 2007 by dan_k in Lawyers  ID#:141942
  • 12

    A Favorite of 21 users

    A man was driving down the road one day when he saw a priest with his thumb out trying to hitch-hike.
    Thinking to himself "If I pick this man up it will get me some brownie points with the big guy himself." the man is kind enough to pick him up and give him a ride.
    A few miles down the road the man can see a lawyer also attempting to hitch-hike, as most people would he turns towards the lawyer getting ready to hit him and then thinks "Wait a minute, I have a priest sitting in the back I would be sent to hell for sure!"
    Thinking this the man turns away just missing the lawyer.
    When the man looks back he notices that the lawyer is laying on the ground and bleeding. Instantly begining to freak out he begins to pray for forgiveness.
    Noticing this the priest leans forward and says
    "Don't worry my son... I opened my door and hit him with it."

    November 13, 2007 by Anonymous in Lawyers  ID#:148152
  • 13

    A Favorite of 17 users

    Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

    December 9, 2002 by aschrage in Lawyers  ID#:5726
  • 14

    A Favorite of 16 users

    An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.

    May 21, 2002 by aschrage in Lawyers  ID#:3985
  • 15

    A Favorite of 16 users

    Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused
    because she believes she's prejudiced.

    "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I
    immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

    "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

    August 2, 2007 by aschrage in Lawyers  ID#:135789
  • 16

    A Favorite of 15 users

    Its one of the main proffession, where lying is essential...

    April 26, 2009 by AbDuL in Lawyers  ID#:220055
  • 17

    A Favorite of 14 users

    No brilliance is required in law, just common sense and relatively clean fingernails.

    May 21, 2002 by aschrage in Lawyers  ID#:3984
  • 18

    A Favorite of 14 users

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyers" and the part of the second part, also known as "Lightbulb" do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps.
    1) the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (lightbulb) and rotate party of the second part(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
    2)Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

    November 7, 2005 by raining_up in Lawyers  ID#:52631
  • 19

    A Favorite of 13 users

    it's not what you do, it's what you get caught doing

    January 30, 2012 by grz349 in Lawyers  ID#:485472
  • 20

    A Favorite of 12 users

    The Brothel

    The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    'May I help you sir?' she asked

    'I want to see Valerie,' he said.

    'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
    'No, I must see Valerie,' he said.
    Valerie appeared and told the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, he pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour the man calmly left.
    The next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
    Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.
    The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After their session Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
    ' Ontario .'
    'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
    'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer

    November 3, 2008 by Tc_Origenal in Lawyers  ID#:197573