A Favorite of 2119 users
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are
all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
A Favorite of 1074 users
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon, I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my a**. My beauty is a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles, at any cost. I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost. I never forget an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a b**ch. Don't say to your friends, oh yeah I can get her. In your dreams dear, I can do better. Flowers are okay, but jewelery is best. Look at ME, idiot, not at my chest. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you are lying, you stare at the ceiling. Don't call me a GIRL, a BABE, or a CHICK. I am a LADY....Don't you get it? You dick.- Unknown
A Favorite of 1013 users
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me- Unknown
A Favorite of 545 users
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or “pencil,” she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups (male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you could have had a better model.- Unknown
A Favorite of 152 users
we don’t shave our legs every
day. Get over it. Sometimes,we just want to talk to our friends. No, we don’t always want to make out. Excuse us if our boobs arent as big as that girl on TV’s. Hello, our face is up here? Our bikini is as far as you’re gunna get, pal. So don’t try a n y harder. NO, we’re not going to hang out with you all the time and YES, we still love you. Our best friends come first. Call us your “b**ch”, or your “hoe”, we will publically embarass you, at the least. We have our own problems to deal with. Their our OWN for a reason. We’re going to get moody, and we’re going to get needy. Deal with it. If you’re not Ken, don’t expect us to be Barbie.- Unknown
A Favorite of 147 users
Some words of advice to men: Treat women the same way you would want your daughter to be treated.- UnknownJune 27, 2011 by Anonymous in Men and Women ID#:421245
A Favorite of 137 users
A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised in the arms of a queen.- Unknown
A Favorite of 129 users
“Every girl thinks she can change a player, but the truth is, it’s not the player that needs to change, it’s the girl. Because every player is on a mission to find that one girl that makes him lose his desire to play.”- Unknown
A Favorite of 126 users
He thinks he's a player but he doesn't know im the coach.- Unknown
A Favorite of 126 users
Behind every girl who looks happy with all those smiles, there’s a guy who made her good at pretending- faking it