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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
*My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-"If you're going to kill each other do it outside-I just finished cleaning."
*My mother taught me RELIGION-"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
*My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL-"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to kick you into the middle of next week."
*My mother taught me LOGIC-"Because I said so, that's why."
*My mother taught me FORESIGHT-"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case your in an accident."
*My mother taught me IRONY-"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
*My mother taught me OSMOSIS-"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
*My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM-"Will you look at the dirt on the back on your neck!"
*My mother taught me STAMINA-"You'll sit there till all that spinach is finished."
*My mother taught me about WEATHER-"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
*My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS-"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming towards you; would you then listen."
*My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY-"If I've told you once I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!!!"
*My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE-" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
*My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION-"Stop acting like your father."
*My mother taught me about ENVY-"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
THANKS, MUM!- unknown
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If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to find love in the world.- UnknownJanuary 5, 2003 by Anonymous in Parenthood ID#:5940
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A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different, because I was important in the life of a boy.- Forest E. Witcraft (1894 - 1967), a scholar, teacher, and Boy Scout Executive
A Favorite of 160 users
rules for dating my daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters body, I will remove them.
I am aware that is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise.You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.- ??? sounds like my dad
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rules for dating my daughter
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take just slightly longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, ar nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do Not Lie To Me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine- ??? sounds like my dad
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Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.- From an email
A Favorite of 100 users
A little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've got male!- UnKnOwN
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by the time we realise that our parents were right..we have kids who are thinking that we are wrong..- Unknown
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Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.- Unknown
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The only guy a girl can depend on is her daddy- hot chick